I want to walk on stilts...naked
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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