Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I just found a bag of teeth...
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
