Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
