Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
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