She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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