My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
