i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
