My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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