I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
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Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
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Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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