Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
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You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
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Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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