"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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