I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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