My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
