how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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