But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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