If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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