stop calling my apartment porn island.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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