I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
