dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
