My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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