omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
He told me they were just razor bumps!
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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