I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.