Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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