I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
