Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
