Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
