are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
