I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Randomize
