you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
