genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
