we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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