Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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