My sheets look like a crime scene.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize