I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
