do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
