He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
You ruined the universe
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