I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
So gin and wine won't be happening again
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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