Sober January is a disaster.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
