the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
