someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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