Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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