im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
