Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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