I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
