Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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