Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
