After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
