I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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