I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
