We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I can't turn off my feet"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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