I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
