I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I need to calm my uterus...
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
