Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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