My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Randomize
