You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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