when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
