someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
