Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
