awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
