A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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