I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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