my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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